We have been married almost 40 years. What would I want a beautiful bride to know in order to help make her marriage last just as long?

I would definitely caution her about having unrealistic expectations when it comes to marriage. Right out of the gate I had to confront my own unrealistic expectations of love and how our relationship was going to work. I thought I was prepared, but I wasn’t.

Almost immediately, I began the task of changing Dennis to be what I thought he should be in order to have a good marriage. I failed miserably at this. I can’t change anyone - I can barely change myself! I learned I had to focus on how God wanted to change me and trust God to change us BOTH in His time and ways. 

This first lesson led me to my second important marriage lesson- to stop expecting Dennis to meet all (or even most) of my needs. I was making him feel “he was not enough.” Only God my Creator and Savior could be enough for me. I needed to lean into and learn more about the love of God. This took the pressure off Dennis to try and meet unrealistic expectations. Our human love, Dennis and mine included, is limited, selfish and temporary. God’s love is unconditional, eternal, and totally satisfying. This freed both of us to just enjoy each other as we are.

Oftentimes, “opposites attract.” And Dennis and I couldn’t be more different. Some of these differences were the very things that initially made him so attractive to me. I loved how he was confident, had definite goals, was decisive and courageous - these were the very qualities I lacked or was weak in. However, I quickly learned the “dark side” and often these very same qualities began to annoy me. Suddenly, I found him bossy and impatient!

Similarly, although he was attracted to my “gentleness, flexibility, and support”, he became annoyed and disappointed at my procrastination, instability and untruthfulness.

This led to a third important marriage lesson for me of how to get along with our differences. We had to learn and admit to the dangers of our “dark side” as well as intentionally celebrate and appreciate the strengths each of us brought into the relationship. Whenever I become frustrated or annoyed with him for his different approach to life, I remind myself of how these same qualities attracted me to him in the first place. Things like his leadership, his strong faith, his goals and his commitment to family and hard work. Praise God those qualities that drew me have never really waivered.

Have you ever heard the saying “familiarity breeds contempt?” This was one of my father ‘s favorite sayings, and it is true. Never more so in a marriage where you are intimate and privy to the good, bad, and ugly on a daily basis. How do I fight against a contemptuous attitude?

Early on I read a book that gave me the best advice for any hard situation or relationship, but I have applied it mostly to our marriage. This is the fourth marriage lesson I have found so helpful: Because it is easy to complain and find fault, I have determined that for every complaint I have against Dennis, I will think of THREE things I appreciate about him. This was truly a life changing discipline for me. I would get annoyed at his socks lying around but be so thankful that he faithfully mowed the lawn, made me coffee and toast every morning, and always took out the trash. Surely I could pick up his socks!

I remember the day I brought home Florence Littauer’s book “Personality Plus.” She describes the 4 basic personality types in her book. I am a “phlegmatic” and Dennis is a “choleric”. This was revolutionary to me as I read the descriptions of our personalities and what made us tick. I now had a better understanding of our relational dynamics. I realized why we had the conflicts we did and how best to handle them. Dennis and I both learned about our personality differences as well as our “love languages.” This cleared up many of our misunderstanding and communication issues we were having. Reading books on personality differences and love languages led me to my fifth important marriage lesson: I realized then how important it is to be a student of your spouse (and even your children) if you want to improve and grow in your relationship with them. Be prepared to step “outside of yourself” and relate to them based on who they are, not just on who you are. Similarly, If your spouse and family can’t relate to your style and personality, you can find a way to do better at objectively communicating to them your needs and interests.

Another very helpful book in learning to navigate the marriage relationship successfully is “His needs, Her needs” by W.Harley. No matter what our culture tries to tell us, men and women are different, and this book helped us understand the differing priority of needs men and women have. It helped me become more aware of and respect Dennis’s needs/wants and visa-versa.

Finally, my last, most important marriage lesson leads me to Ephesians 5:31-32 that says, 

“A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. This is a great mystery but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.”

This passage and others tell us that marriage has a higher purpose than just our own self fulfillment or happiness. We are not the main characters of our marriage, God is. God instituted it back in the Garden of Eden to illustrate the Gospel and His saving, sacrificial love for us. Ephesians 5 says the bride (the wife, the woman) symbolizes the Church of Christ . And the bridegroom (the husband, the man) symbolizes Jesus Christ. Marriage is a theological word picture of the love and intimacy of Christ with the believer. Yes, we are messed up sinners incapable in and of ourselves to dignify the sacredness of marriage, but Christ can redeem and provide the grace we need to endure to the end. All my other advice may or may not help, but seek Jesus in your marriage every day and I guarantee it will make the difference.

What has marriage taught you about yourself? What has it taught you about love? What has marriage taught you about God?