Parenting is a lifelong commitment. It just looks different when it comes to your adult children.

When my daughter was getting married at 20, her friends threw her an “intimate lingerie bridal shower” of which I, the mother of the bride, was NOT invited to. When she came home, I asked to see her gifts. Naturally she was reluctant. (But in concession to me, she would show them to me later.)

But I didn’t think that was good enough, so as soon as she left, I went to peek at her gifts. Later on when she came home she asked if I was ready to see them. I told her there was no need. I was “okay” with her not showing them to me. Immediately she accused me of going into her room and looking. I confessed. It wasn’t a pretty scene. Later on I apologized and thankfully she forgave me.

What was going on? This leads me to the first adult parenting trap that can derail our relationships with adult children.  

1. A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
I was acting on the belief that I had a right as her mother to know whatever I wanted to know about her life. After all, I brought her into this world, I took care of her so she could actually live! And wasn’t it my responsibility as a mother to know what my children were up to? Certainly I was entitled to whatever I wanted to know from her. This sense of entitlement, that our children owe us “because we gave them life”, gets us into trouble every time. We end up disrespecting healthy boundaries and become demanding. Neither lead us to healthy relationships, especially with our adult children. We need to remember that having children was never about us or even them. It is about trusting God with our children and about His purposes in our lives. 

2. UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
Just as adult children often put unreasonable expectations on their parents, we too can put unreasonable expectations on our adult children. They may have this perfect picture of what a mom and dad should be, but we aren’t that way at all. Similarly, we can see them as an extension of ourselves and expect them to act like us, think like us, and agree with us on many matters. But we forget that we are uniquely created with different experiences, circumstances, and personalities. We as parents need to celebrate this and encourage our children in their unique ways. They may not like to vacation at the beach or appreciate sports like we do. They may love to read and travel, but we don’t. Communicate respectfully some of the misconceptions they may have about you as a parent, and model for them how to accept and celebrate our differences.

3. GETTING STUCK IN THE PAST
This third parenting trap is about an unwillingness to accept change and growth in our children. We may keep treating them as if they are teenagers or toddlers, not willing to appreciate that they are adults capable and responsible for their own decisions and preferences. This creates distance and conflict in relationship to your adult children. 

So, what are some positive things we can do? When one of our adult children was going through a difficult time, Dennis and I had plenty of proven good advice to give, but this adult child was not interested. Instead, they told us they just wanted us to “listen, love, and pray”. We took that to heart (especially the prayer part!) and our adult child felt a greater freedom to come to us and open up.

4. PRAYER GIVERS
When we sent our daughter to college, the dean of students gathered the parents together and said that up until now we have been the primary caregivers to our children. But now as they enter adulthood, we are called to be the primary prayer givers. That really hit home for me. I would rather fix and provide, but prayer needs to play a more prominent role in my parenting. “The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children'' by Storie Omartian is a great guide. Also, if you have prodigal adult children, “Praying for your Prodigals'' by James Banks is excellent.

5. PARENT WITH FAITH
Parenting at any stage involves trusting God, and it is just as important with your adult children. So much is out of our control. We may try to be our adult child’s Holy Spirit, but I am telling you from experience that is never a good idea! We have to decide to trust God, our perfect, heavenly Father, that He is writing a unique story in our child’s life and trust Him with it. I am not saying it is easy, but it is essential if you want to give your adult child the freedom to live his or her life before God and be able to encourage them to do so.

6. PARENT WITH THE BIG PICTURE IN MIND
Finally, it is important to realize that parenting is not a static process or a finite event. As parents, we will always have an important role in our children’s lives from baby to adulthood – it will just look different at each stage. We have to be willing to learn and grow in our parenting at each stage. Also, just because your adult child is holding you at arm’s length now, doesn’t mean that will always be the case. Ephesians 3:14 talks about God being our ultimate Father and He came up with the idea of family. Family communicates important spiritual principles about adoption, sonship, inheritance, siblings, and family resemblances. God is more concerned with our family relationships than we are. Never count out the work of God in your family dynamics. There is always hope.

Do you know that you are called on a special mission? 

In Matthew 28:19, Jesus says, “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Woah. That’s a huge assignment, but did you catch that last part? Christ tells us He’s with us on our mission. Not only that, but we’re on this mission together as a Church family.

This month, Alliance Church celebrates this mission with Global Connections week, and our Women’s Blog authors will also be sharing on the theme of mission. Don’t miss out on events like our Women’s Global Impact Luncheon and check back here for mission articles being posted throughout March.

-Becca Fulcer Adult Ministries Program Coordinator